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Dave Barry Colonoscopy
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TOPIC: Dave Barry Colonoscopy

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Dave Barry Colonoscopy

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Thursday December 25, 2008 11:21 AM
For the almost over 50 crowd among us....


This is from news hound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began mypreparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And t hen, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.

Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Que en' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE20WRITER:

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
REPLY
The FUZZ
 Message #18316
Bogey1Fogey38
RE: Dave Barry Colonoscopy

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Friday December 26, 2008 9:37 AM
QUOTED For the almost over 50 crowd among us....

I completely identified with that article.
Definite Must! Play Pebble Beach some day, Shoot less than 80 - Some Day. Get a colonoscopy. Been there done that (I'm 70 so have had 4), last one 5 yrs ago and had 3 polyps removed, now Doc wants me to do it again. His opinion is 5 yrs after if they removed polyps, otherwise you can go 10 yrs. They put you to sleep so you won't feel a thing, and you won't know what the #&^^ they used on you.

QUOTED 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
- LOL

Ain't it fun getting old! These are the Golden Years, Right? Yeah - RIGHT!
REPLY
> > "How can they beat me? I've been struck by lightning, had two back operations, and been divorced twice."
> > Lee Trevino


> > "Golf is like solitaire. When you cheat, you only cheat yourself."
> > Tony Lema
 Message #18326 - This was a reply to message #18316
ringworld
RE: Dave Barry Colonoscopy

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Tuesday December 30, 2008 1:29 PM
something to look forward as I turn 40.. wonderful LOL
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Work Hard. Play Golf! www.ace-cases.com
Oh yeah, I blog too: www.golfing-guru.com

Know before you go.... golfing with Greenskeeper.org!
 Message #18414 - This was a reply to message #18326
Robert_Curry
RE: Dave Barry Colonoscopy
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Thursday October 13, 2016 7:47 AM
Hello, everyone! Just wondering... How to make an appointment for a colonoscopy? I found http://bigpaperwriter.com/blog/dave-barry-colonoscopy-essay, where you will be able to know more details about this topic in general!
REPLY
 Message #80991 - This was a reply to message #18414
CancerFighter39
RE: Dave Barry Colonoscopy

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Thursday October 13, 2016 8:34 AM
QUOTED something to look forward as I turn 40.. wonderful LOL


For me, since cancer runs in the family & I should be ok....I decided to getting tested early:
Ages 38-39,45 & 51. My PCP dropped the ball & failed to tell me my CEA count prior to the scheduled Coloncosopy was way over 423+ (normal is <5) for a healthy non smoker. I NEVER smoked a day in my life!!!! Parent & grandparents were smokers. WHy am I typing this? Well I UNFORTUNATELY was diagnosed & confirmed 3 months later of having STAGE FOUR COLON CANCER (May 3oth 2013) and it's been a long fight,battle and my emotions are all over the place!

I recently found a little inspiration: "GOD DOESN'T GIVE US MORE THAN WE CAN HANDLE".

Man, I've had a boat lot of problems yet I persevering through it all...

CF39
REPLY
I am in the FIGHT of my life! At this time, I do not have the ability to Caddie for a Professional even though I made many contacts over the years...
 Message #80993 - This was a reply to message #18414
sngernz
RE: Dave Barry Colonoscopy

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Thursday October 13, 2016 12:11 PM
Hang tough, CF39. And live life to it's fullest!
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 Message #80994 - This was a reply to message #80993
noeldaof
RE: Dave Barry Colonoscopy

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Thursday October 13, 2016 3:42 PM
Hang in there, CF39...don't let up. Sending some prayers.
REPLY
Play from a position!
 Message #80998 - This was a reply to message #80993
PJO
RE: Dave Barry Colonoscopy

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Monday October 17, 2016 3:14 PM
Wow CF39, that's pretty tough. Really sorry.

The Dave Barry piece is pretty funny. The prep is easily the hardest part. The procedure itself is nothing since you're asleep and it's the best sleep you'll get without serious head trauma. I've had two procedures now (I'm 59). If you're on the fence, don't be. It's a piece of cake, compared to the alternative.

Pat.
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 Message #81059 - This was a reply to message #80998
CancerFighter39
RE: Dave Barry Colonoscopy

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Monday October 17, 2016 3:45 PM
QUOTED Wow CF39, that's pretty tough. Really sorry.


I've kept quiet for a long time....In the Beginning stages, small group of GK'er's learned about my situation.

QUOTED If you're on the fence, don't be. It's a piece of cake, compared to the alternative.


I WAS PRO-active and took the INITIATIVE with my PCP to have the Colonoscopy early in my life 38,45 then 51.
My PCP in Lakewood office dropped the "puck" "ball" or whatever...kept telling me everything was fine, we don't see anything etc...blah~blah~blah~ I rec'd my CEA count PRIOR to my 3rd Colonoscopy it was already 423+

My short story is to get tested & don't wait!!!

CF39
REPLY
I am in the FIGHT of my life! At this time, I do not have the ability to Caddie for a Professional even though I made many contacts over the years...
 Message #81062 - This was a reply to message #81059
PJO
RE: Dave Barry Colonoscopy

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Tuesday October 18, 2016 8:17 AM
CF39, if you could script the worst-case scenario, that has to be it. Your doctor's failure is unacceptable. You did everything right, better than right really. Hoping that it all turns out good for you.

Pat.
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 Message #81070 - This was a reply to message #81062

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